A Parody Of Judith Viorst' s,
Alexnader and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day
I went to sleep with my husband and now there is a kid where he laid and when I got out of bed this morning my hips and knees ached and the alarm clock read 5:00am and when I weighed myself I was up a pound and I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
At breakfast R. was crying and J. was mad because he couldn't open his yogurt and I opened my yogurt but it was spoiled.
I think I will move to Australia.
After breakfast the dog ate tissue and bit B. and W. wouldn't stop playing his video game to get ready for school.
I said to brush your teeth. I said to get dressed. Put the dog up I said. I said, if you don't get ready for school this instant I will spank you. No one even answered.
I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.
In the gym another lady was on the treadmill and I had to do my sit-ups first. While I was on the elliptical she told me how she was down two dress sizes and she farted while running. Who needs a treadmill?
I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
I could tell because R. said there were no boys allowed in her room. She said that J. took the toy and that he is no longer her brother.
I hope you don't mean that, I said to R. I hope the next time you play you share. This is every one's home and all are allowed, I said. I said that J. will always be your brother, even if we lived in Australia.
There were two untrained workers in Subway and they were out of kid's bags. B. got two sandwiches in her kids meal and W. and J. had pizza and soda and chips. R. had a sandwich with apples and sprite. Guess who's counting calories and gave up soda and chips?
There are an abundance of fruit flies in our kitchen.
My ears are pealing.
And I found a gray hair.
It was a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.
That is what it was because later I began to feel like I had a UTI. If it continues I'll go to the doctor. If you have it next week you WILL go to the doctor my hubby said.
Next week, I said,
I'm going to Australia.
At the table we read the Bible. "...from the abundance of the heart [your] mouth speaks." He said (Luke 6:45).
Jeb prayed for the first time aloud asking "Dear God help me not to get in trouble." Bella asked, "God help our hearts be filled with you." Reagan prayed "Lord, don't let me pee the bathroom floor." and Wyatt asked "for the healing of our friends".
I tried not to cry and HE reminded me that I am his beloved child and called me blessed.
It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
